Your Call
by Kobal
Summary: "He can't love me." Kanda felt the words sink past his skin. Bleeding through like it was his own realization. A collection of LavixKanda themed drabbles.
1. Fever

**Author's note: **Alright, I've had an idea of a story like this for a long time now, and I thought, why not? This is the second time I've written yaoi, by the way.

--

**F**e**v**e**r**

Kanda had never been one to let guilt get to him. He always tried to distance himself and he never endured the responsibility of protecting anyone he didn't need to. Maybe that was why he felt so totally out of his league as he sat over Lavi's bed, staring at the fevered boy.

Lavi lay on the bed, in the empty hospital. His face flushed an unhealthy shade of red, and his hair damp with sweat. Kanda clenched the stool he was sitting on a bit tighter; the glazy look in Lavi's partially opened eye gave him shivers. The redhead was still wearing his eye patch, which Kanda found a bit unnecessary, but he wasn't about to remove it himself. As a matter of fact, Kanda wasn't abut to go anywhere near Lavi for a while.

It was just a stupid argument. Something about Lavi making a stupid remark about Kanda's past while the samurai was training; after Kanda stormed away, Komui coerced him into going on a mission on the spot. Lavi apparently thought he'd really gone and made Kanda furious (more so then usual) and it was enough for Kanda to want some time apart.

Kanda really couldn't care less. As far as he was concerned, he was pretty damn opinionated about his past, Lavi was just being stupid Lavi and Kanda still…loved him. If Lavi had really wanted to piss him off, he could've just done what he had in fact done, only gotten sicker.

"Don't touch that…"

Kanda immediately, pulled his hand back, but Lavi's eye patch slid off his face courtesy of Kanda's fingers.

"You're in idiot."

"Oh, sorry Yuu, I didn't know it was…_you_."

Kanda's eyebrow twitched as he tired to ignore the, aren't-I-witty? look on Lavi's face. "Don't make my name into a pun you moron."

Lavi cracked a smile and chuckled. At least, Kanda hoped the redhead was laughing – not coughing or gagging because he couldn't even tell the difference because of Lavi's broken voice.

"Sorry about the thing I said before. I guess I just wanted you to tell me about your past so much I thought you'd correct me if I made something up." Lavi's hidden eye remained illusive behind his mop of red hair, yet the passion in his other was enough for Kanda to let out a sigh.

"Standing out in the rain for hours is a pretty foolish way to say you're sorry."

"Nah…Komui said you were coming back within a week 'cause of the false rumor about Innocence. I just picked a lousy day to wait for you."

"For _hours _you idiot."

"It wasn't hours, Yuu."

"If it wasn't you wouldn't be lying here with a fever would you?"

"Touché, Yuu." Lavi said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "But by you being here can I assume you've forgiven me?"

"No." Kanda said firmly. But before Lavi could even pout of whine, Kanda leaned over the redhead and gently pressed their lips together. Pulling back Kanda stood up and decided it was time for more training. "_Now _I've forgiven you."

"Did you know, that kissing can transfer illness?"

"Shut up!"


	2. Leaving

**Author's note:** Right! Second one. This is a really long drabble by the way. And any theme suggestions are well received!

Disclaimer: (I forgot it last chapter) If Kobal ever gets her hands on D. Gray Man, we will shortly see the painful death of all her most hated characters. Run for the hills Lenalee.

--

**L**e**a**v**i**n**g**

Kanda lay for a long time in bed, doing nothing but staring at Lavi. Analyzing everything about the sleeping boy: the messy red hair, the open – drooling – mouth, and his gentle snore. He imagined what he would do whenever he woke up in the morning if Lavi wasn't sleeping next to him, or…sleeping _on_ him as a pillow.

He figured the sheets would be colder; the pillows would remain on the bed throughout the entire night; he would have much less laundry on his hands. A tendril of fear wrapped itself around Kanda's heart as suddenly the idea of a cold bed seemed unimportant when he thought about how most of his life revolved around the person lying next to him.

"This sucks…" Kanda said in a voice that didn't sound like his own. And truthfully, in the past few weeks, he had become well aware of all the ways his voice could sound.

Lavi let out an exhausted groan, "You're staring at me again…Yuu."

"I am not!" Kanda snapped back, a blush finding its way onto his cheeks.

"What time is it?" Lavi asked, not bothering to open his eye. Although he slept without his eye patch, Kanda had never seen the hidden right eye.

Kanda stole a look at the clock Lavi had insisted he buy; ("Yuu, your room is too dull." – "No it's not, moron.") figuring he could always lie and tell Lavi he still had a half-hour instead of ten minutes.

"Time to go, huh?" Lavi grinned into the bed sheets.

"Yeah…" Kanda said dully.

"If I'm not back in two months, then I'm probably dead." Lavi said, jokingly. Lavi was terrible at trying to indirectly console Kanda. Normally, throwing him against the wall and kissing him would suffice, but, opening his eye, Lavi could tell Kanda was upset.

"Don't say stupid things." Kanda said darkly. "Or…I won't come looking for you."

Lavi pulled himself into a sitting position and sighed. He looked down at Kanda, a part of him wanted to crack a joke about how _beautiful _his hair was, or how _sparkly _his eyes looked. But he couldn't bring himself to.

"Kro-chan's going with me too, you know."

"A physiologically disturbed vampire is with you – I feel much better now."

"Aww…c'mon Yuu, it's not so bad. Just try to not flirt with Lenalee while I'm gone, 'kay?"

"As if."

Lavi shrugged; if Kanda didn't yell at him for making a joke about _Lenalee _then something was really upsetting him. Stretching, Lavi dragged himself out of bed and began searching for his clothes among those that littered the floor. "You 'otta clean your room more, Yuu."

"Whatever." Kanda snarled, turning on his side so he wasn't facing Lavi anymore. "I won't have your trash on my floor for a while at least."

"I don't want me to go either, Yuu."

Kanda bolted up, glaring at Lavi; he seemed to just realize the redhead was in fact shirtless, and no matter how many times he witnessed that pale, flat chest, the blood started rushing to his cheeks._._

"Something wrong?" Lavi asked, as innocently as he could.

"Just get dressed already!" Kanda yelled.

"No, Yuu." Lavi said firmly. "What's really wrong?"

"I told you," Kanda said softly, "it's nothing."

"I really won't be gone long so there's no need to–"

"That doesn't change anything!"

Lavi's mouth hung open slightly at the dark look in Kanda's watery eyes. Never once had he seen Kanda to angry at him before he left for a mission; usually, it was him who clung to Kanda playfully before he had to be pried off with a crowbar as the samurai left.

Moving very quickly, Lavi jumped back on the bed and wrapped his arms around the trembling boy. Instantly, Kanda tensed and tried to shove him off. "What the hell?!" He cried.

"Yuu." Lavi said firmly, taking Kanda's face in his hands and staring at him intensely. "I am always going to come back. After all, you're here, aren't you?"

Kanda stopped squirming and stared back at Lavi, his eyes held a kind of desperation Lavi had never seen before. Somehow, Kanda managed to nod through the iron grip on his face.

"Good." Lavi said, smiling. "Unless, you decide you're really in love with Lenalee, or Allen, anyway." And at the look of paralyzing shock on Kanda's face, Lavi added, "But even then, I shall return and chase them to the ends of the earth with a borrowed Komourin."

"You're an idiot." Kanda said, pulling out of Lavi's hands and trying to hide his flushed cheeks behind his bangs.

Even though he knew there was a possibility of Lavi dying, Kanda decided that he would believe Lavi as completely as he could. Although, threatening Krory to protect the stupid rabbit at all cost would also put his worrying to rest, just the same.


	3. Balloons

**Author's note: **Hmm…I just thought this idea was funny and I'm pretty sure they had balloons back then.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man. Unfortunately.

--

**B**a**l**l**o**o**n**s

"You did this?" Kanda asked, his voice dark and deadly.

"Yup." Lavi said, his voice innocent and cheerful.

"Start running."

"As you wish."

Kanda flew down the hall after Lavi, Mugen drawn and blinded by such a bloodthirsty rage he had left his bedroom door wide open.

Miranda and Krory poked their heads around the corner at the noise Lavi and Kanda were making as they ran down the halls of the Order, yelling all the way.

"What's with them?" Krory asked.

"You don't think Kanda's going to kill Lavi, do you?" Miranda asked, she was practically trembling.

"He wouldn't do that!" Krory insisted, trying to calm Miranda down. "Hey…he left the door open…"

The two exorcists looked into Kanda's room for about five seconds before bursting into laughter. Krory decided to leave the door open for all those who wanted to see Lavi's way of apologizing to Kanda: covering every inch of his room in pink, red, and smiley-faced balloons. Placing flowers and cake on the desk where a lotus in an hourglass rested, and placing a banner across the bed's headboard that read: "Sorry."

Every exorcist, finder, or member of the science department who passed by had to stop and gawk. And it wasn't until after an hour of chasing Lavi that Kanda had remembered he hadn't closed the door. So dragging a captured Lavi back to his room Kanda frightened off every onlooker before shoving Lavi into his room and locking the door.


	4. Teasing

**Author's note: **This is really just a dumb drabble with dialog. Seriously.

Disclaimer: No already! I will never own D. Gray Man. Or Allen-koi.

--

**T**e**a**s**i**n**g**

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Ple–"

"You're _really _going to ask again?"

"But Yuu-chan! I want to braid your hair!"

"There's no way in Hell I'm going to let you braid my hair – in the dining hall – you moron."

"Are you saying you'd let me do it when we're _alone_?"

"No!"

"But you look so cute when your hair is braided."

"No I do not."

"Yes you do."

"Eat your spaghetti."

"If I do, will you let me braid your hair?"

"No!"

"What if I let you be on top the next time we do it?"

Kanda pondered this for a moment or so.


	5. Aftermath

**Author's note: **I've always wanted to write one of these.

Disclaimer: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I want to own D. Gray Man so badly! But alas, nothing in my life is fair.

--

**A**f**t**e**r**m**a**t**h**

Lavi was quite familiar with the term "hangover," but he had never experienced one like this. No mere words could describe the menacing, throbbing ach in his head.

Sitting up and trying to ignore the spinning room, Lavi stretched his arms and took a deep breath. He had agreed with himself that would be the last time he would play, "I Never."

As the room stopped spinning, Lavi tried to glance around for a clock. But he couldn't read the far-off, dancing numbers on the clock's face.

Running his hands through his hair, Lavi suddenly realized he smelled _really _bad. He felt sweaty and gross too. Suddenly, Lavi tensed and sent a cautious glance at the person lying next to him in bed.

"OhdearGod…" Lavi mumbled to the visible dark hair spewed about the pillow beside him. Even though the body said dark hair belonged to was under the covers, Lavi was well aware of to whom both hair and body belonged to. "Yuu?" Lavi offered, his voice trembling.

No response.

"Yuu."

Still, no response.

Lavi leaned closer so that he was inches from Kanda's face – still hidden beneath the covers. "Yuu…"

In an instant, Kanda's arms shot out from under the blanket and around Lavi's neck and roughly pulled him down next to him. With his eyes still closed, Kanda rested his head against Lavi's chest.

Flushing madly, Lavi tried to remain still and ignore the pain in his back from the uncomfortable position he was in. He looked down at Kanda's peaceful face, in complete contrast with his messy dark hair. Lavi had never really been aware of how long Kanda's hair was until he was covered in it.

Slowly, Lavi shifted so Kanda was now cuddling against his shoulder. Cuddling. Lavi let that one word sink into his mind – since he was stoned off his rocker, it took a while, but eventually he was able to register that, yes, Kanda was cuddling with him, and, yes, he was adorable.

"Yuu?" Lavi asked softly.

"Sleep." Kanda groaned back.

"Does this mean we're officially, 'together'?"

Kanda finally opened his eyes and looked up at Lavi. Scooting up and closer so that their faces were centimeters apart he leaned in and whispered against Lavi's partially opened lips, "Next time, _I'm _on top."

'Oh,' Lavi thought to himself, '_that's_ what happened last night.'


	6. Fifty

**Author's note:** I decided it was time for a sadder one.

Disclaimer: For the tenth time, I do not own D.Gray Man.

--

**F**i**f**t**y**

The library somehow usually seemed warm late at night, when the only heat came from the candles and the newly-built fireplace Komui insisted be built. The stuffy books and comfy couches usually made the atmosphere gentle and calming. _Usually._

Kanda hurled the large dictionary at Lavi's head from across the room.

Lavi ducked behind a desk as the book took out the reading lamp above his head. "Wait, Yuu!" He cried, lifting his head, only to duck again as Kanda hurled another book at his face.

In the back of his mind, Lavi could see Bookman standing outside the library, a look he had believed was supposed to be neutral plastered upon the old man's face. Lavi remembered the current Bookman finding him in the darkness of the hallway and demanding that he remind what _had _to be a crush exactly what he was.

Although this was not how Lavi had wanted to tell Kanda that he was eventually going to have to abandon the name "Lavi" and the persona it came with, he had never wanted – or pictured – Kanda this mad at him for it.

"Calm down Yuu!"

A mere desk stood between Lavi and death-by-Kanda. Taking a deep breath Lavi held his hands up in defense.

"Listen to me!" He pleaded.

Kanda, his eyes hidden by just-long-enough bangs, gritted his teeth and brandished the encyclopedia above his head. "Shut up!" He cried. "Why should I listen to what you have to say?! Everything you said before was a lie, right?"

Finally, Lavi could see his eyes. But he wished he hadn't. A moment of distress coming from Kanda was rare, and Lavi thought himself sadistic, the way he liked to see them. He liked the idea of being the only one who could make Kanda cry or could break him out of that shell he was always under.

But thinking back on that, Lavi realized he had no right to ask Kanda to stay with him when he couldn't promise anything. He would be saying goodbye (not really "goodbye") to the Order soon enough; and there was no way he could ever make Kanda wait till that happened.

And yet, Lavi found his voice again as he kept stuttering like an idiot even though he knew it was hopeless. "Please…Yuu…"

"Don't touch me." Kanda spat, pulling away from Lavi's newly outstretched hand. "Don't talk to me. Don't come near me. Don't pretend you can actually _do_ anything at this point."

The soft knock on the door seemed to resonate throughout the entire library as Lavi finally managed to tear his eye away from Kanda's dripping orbs.

"You have a mission in the morning, Lavi." Bookman said simply. There were so many things hidden behind his raspy words; Lavi knew them all, even if Kanda didn't. "Seems like you're doing an excellent job of ripping the library apart."

Kanda sent him a glare before staring at his feet. He probably wasn't ready to face Bookman yet.

Lavi threw Bookman a carefree smile, "We're almost done, Gramps."

The old man shrugged and turned to leave, closing the door behind him.

Waiting until the sound of footsteps grew fainter, Lavi let out a sigh and also stared at his feet. "I'm sorry."

Lavi wasn't sure how he knew, but he could tell Kanda was sneering. "No you're not."

"Yuu, I –"

"You're just doing what you normally do. You write what you see and then you leave, thinking you were nothing more then a recorder. Thinking you left nothing more then a trail of ink. You've done it before, right? Left someone behind? Guess this means you'll have more practice the next time around."

"I…don't know what to say…"

"You don't even have to say anything!" Kanda cried. "You crawled into my life and now I can't get you out! You just didn't bother to mention to me after you kissed me that the person I…that you…you weren't…real. And you could never be. Which meant _we _could never…_be_. Smart move, jackass."

Lavi just hung his head. With nothing to say, 'cause Kanda was totally right. About everything. By acting so head-over-heels for Kanda he had already broken the rules Bookman had set down so firmly he could still feel them. By being with Kanda, in bed, on missions or just being around him simply because he _wanted _to, Lavi had torn his morals to shreds, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

If he really loved Kanda, he'd find some way to give up his duties as bookman; if he really loved himself, he would be with Kanda and wave Bookman goodbye just to stop hurting from love again.

"You're not making this any easier."

"I couldn't care less how easy this is or isn't for you!" Kanda roared. "You can't just…get close enough to me where I finally…love you, and then just walk away…you _can't_."

"You love me?"

It hit Lavi like a large boulder. Both realizing that Kanda had never said "I love you" before and that he just said it now. He knew he had made Kanda soften up a bit…but to get him to love was something he would normally pat himself on the back for, then drag Kanda to one of their rooms and see how well things worked out then.

"I love 'Lavi,' whoever that it."

Taking several, massive steps towards the mentally unstable samurai, Lavi pulled him in to the biggest and strongest bear-hug he had ever given. Despite the flailing arms that tried to swat him away, and the "Get off, damn you"s coming from Kanda, Lavi still kept his arms locked around the exorcist. (Well, now he was more then that, anyway.)

"Yuu." Lavi said firmly. "I want to be 'Lavi' forever. I don't want to leave you behind 'cause you're not the only one it'd hurt. I want to keep trying to get you to eat new foods, I wanna watch stars with you; I wanna protect you on missions and make out with you on the train – but more importantly, I want to stay with you.

"'Cause you're more then ink and no matter what Gramps says, I won't disappear. Not until one of us dies."

Kanda dropped his arms and hissed into Lavi's ear, "That will happen sooner then you think if you don't let me go within the next three seconds."


	7. Seducing

**Author's note: **I just really really really really wanted to write something like this. It didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to, but whatever, it was still fun.

Disclaimer: Me own none.

--

**S**e**d**u**c**i**n**g

"Yuu?"

"What?"

"I just realized something."

"You should stop talking to me so I can train?"

"No."

"Then I don't care."

"I just realized that I haven't kissed you yet."

Kanda stared at the stalker-redhead sitting on the tree stump for about five seconds. Leave it to Lavi to wait until Kanda had his shirt off and he was training in the woods where no one could see him; or them.

"I'm aware of that." Kanda said, turning his back to Lavi to hide the blush on his face. "But I really don't feel like kissing you right now."

He could sense the pout on Lavi lips without even seeing him. Feeling as though he had a small victory against his _boyfriend _(he could never get used to that) Kanda continued dragging Mugen through the air in a graceful fashion. Until, he felt a firm hand on his sweaty elbow.

"But I reeeeeaaaallly wanna kiss _Yuu_."

Kanda felt his heart beat faster and faster as he felt Lavi wrap his arms around his _dripping_-with-_freaking_-sweat body. He could feel the chill of Lavi face and headband against his back and Kanda felt himself shiver.

"You smell good." Lavi whispered into Kanda's shoulder.

"I smell like sweat, you moron." Kanda said through clenched teeth.

"It must be hard work, training out here…all…by…your…self."

"Yeah, like you know anything about hard work." Kanda tried to breathe regularly as Lavi's fingers dances around his chest.

"Hey, I'll have you know it's pretty hard work trying to seduce you."

At that Kanda pulled away from Lavi and sent him a strong glare which must've lost points due to his red face. "You are _not _seducing me." Kanda said firmly.

In an instant Lavi rushed forward and gave Kanda a hard peck on the lips before grinning some more, and bounding off through the woods and back to Headquarters.

_That's what you think. _


	8. Star

**Author's note: **All I can say is that this one is SUPER lame. I'm not joking. I'll just go die in the corner now.

Disclaimer: Darn you copyright laws – I will destroy you!

--

**S**t**a**r

On the rare occasion Kanda found himself free from missions, he liked to visit one of the flatter roofs of Headquarters and stare at the dark sky. Not because he thought it was pretty, but because he could collect his thoughts and meditate without the noise the morons were making several floors below him.

This night in particular Kanda found himself sitting on the roof, staring at the black sky for a reason that was totally foreign to him. That reason had red hair, an eye patch and had some kind of death wish. ("Yuuuuu-chaaaaan!")

What was most disturbing to the samurai was the way the stupid rabbit made him feel. He was one of the few people who could call Kanda by his first name and walk away without severe injuries. What did this mean? Was Kanda somehow incapable of inflicting massive injuries upon the annoying rabbit boy? And what did _that _mean? Kanda was confused indeed.

"Yuuuuuuuuu-chaaaaaan!"

Jerking out of his confused state and into one of dangerous vibes of can't-you-see-I'm-busy-you-moron that Lavi seemed to take no notice of, Kanda glared at the redhead climbing to the roof in his pajamas. "What do you want?"

"Don't sound so angry Yuu-chan!" Lavi grinned, scooting beside the seething samurai as if he were not at risk in the slightest. "I just wanted to look at the stars."

"There aren't any stars out tonight, idiot."

"I can see one." Lavi said, smiling.

Kanda really wanted to knock that smile off Lavi's face and shove it down his windpipe, but he clenched his fists together and tried to find his one star Lavi spoke of – without letting him know.

Lavi laughed when Kanda realized he couldn't find it. Apparently, when it came to stars, Kanda wasn't the brightest.


	9. Lotus

**Author's note: **I wanted to write something angsty. But somehow this sin against humanity was born. It only proves that I need theme ideas! (Hint, hint.)

Disclaimer: If, on the off chance I do ever own D. Gray Man, just know it'll be the end of the world as we know it.

**-- **

**L**o**t**u**s**

It was one of the times Lavi knew he had to choose his words carefully. Of course, there wasn't really anything he could say that his beloved samurai would respond to with anything else but a severe beating. It was quite an ironic situation, actually. One that Lavi tried to convince himself he would look back on and laugh. Laugh because – thank God – he's finally got the love of his life chasing after him and – oh God – he's got a sword.

"Yuu, hold on a minute and let me explain…"

"Give it back before I maim your sorry ass."

Lavi suddenly found it very hard to give a reassuring smile while taking a step away from a seething Kanda, while also holding the boy's precious hourglass, enclosing a lotus and several of its fallen petals. "I just wanted to see what it was."

"You've seen it!" Kanda roared. "Give it back!"

Lavi took a moment to drink in the sight before him. He had never seen nor imagined Kanda exasperated before and it made him wonder even more what the lotus in the hourglass meant. Deciding to take a chance (and risk his own life), Lavi held the hourglass over the railing dangerously. Kanda froze.

"But I couldn't figure out what it was, so I was hoping you could tell me."

"Not on your life." Kanda hissed.

"If it's not that important, I'll just drop it." The grin on Lavi's face must've been more convincing then he thought, because Kanda slowly lowered his sword and stared at his feet.

"Give it back…Lavi."

"Aren't you going to tell me what it is?"

"N-No!"

"Does it have anything to do with that tattoo on your chest?"

"So now you're stalking me?!"

"Showers, Yuu. We're both humans here."

Kanda made that "che" sound Lavi loved so much and glared at him from several yards away, as if daring him to drop the hourglass. Even though Lavi had never intended for things to get this heated, he didn't exactly enjoy seeing his Yuu-chan mentally pulling his limbs off, one by one.

"It helps me heal." Kanda said coldly.

"I always wondered how you could be so invincible."

"I'm not invincible, you moron."

"I like to think you are."

Was that a blush? Yes! Haha! Lavi had succeeded in making Kanda Yuu – _the _Kanda Yuu blush! Grinning rather smugly Lavi pulled the hourglass away from eminent shattering and held it to his chest triumphantly.

But then it hit him, like the hilt of Mugen in the back on his skull. "But Yuu, what happens when the flower dies?"

"What do you think!?" Kanda yelled, fierce sarcasm dripping off every word.

"Yuu…" Lavi said slowly, staring at the fallen petals as the realization he had never imagined hitting him harder then Mugen ever could. "You're not going to die…are you?"

"Che." Kanda spat bitterly. "Everyone dies, you idiot." In several fluid steps, he had made his way over to the railing, and grabbed the hourglass out of Lavi's suddenly-limp arms. At the look on the redhead's face, Kanda added, "You _were_ the one who asked what it was."

"Yeah but…" Lavi said weakly, "I didn't think…I don't want…" He couldn't even talk properly with the thought of the person he loved dying – and until a few seconds ago, he wouldn't have known why. Being a stupid boy with a stupid crush, he had wanted to get to know Kanda better, and that had started with knowing that that creepy hourglass and lotus in his room were (_no_, he still wasn't stalking Kanda).

"Stop blubbering." Kanda snapped, holding the hourglass like the delicate thing it was. "I can deal with it."

"Have you told anyone?"

"That fool Komui; and Heveleska knows, obviously."

"So you've been dealing with it, all on your own, haven't you, Yuu?"

Kanda stared back at Lavi with the most unwavering gaze the redhead had ever seen. How could he handle living his life while he watched petal after petal fall away? How could he insult Allen or get hit with a clipboard by Lenalee knowing it might be the last time that ever happened? Or leave for a mission without saying goodbye, even though he might never get a chance to say "I'm back" – or in the most likely case – hear someone say "Welcome back, Kanda."

So, without thinking, without wondering, Lavi lunged forward, and grabbing the stunned samurai by his shoulder, plunged his lips onto Kanda's, as they were simply open with mortifying shock.

As quickly as he had started it, Lavi pulled away. Even without a mirror in sight, he was able to feel the intense heat in his cheeks, and he could see it on Kanda's as well. Lavi was suddenly struck with the thought that he might have just stolen Kanda's first kiss; the poor boy's face was a very dark shade of red, his eye were saucer-wide with shock and his (gorgeous) lips still hung open slightly.

"Did you just–?"

"Yup."

"You really–?"

"Yeah…"

"Why did you–?"

"Umm…yeah…I sorta…think I might love you."

"Oh."

"But Yuu, the bottom line is, I don't want you to go though all that crap by yourself, 'kay? And even if you hit me, or insult me, I'm not going to let you keep all that hidden behind your PMS face, got it?"

"Why aren't you running?"

"Huh? Oh sorry, I'll get right on that, Yuu-chan."

"Don't call me by my first name!"

Kanda flung the suddenly-not-as-important hourglass into his room and chased Lavi all around Headquarters, like a madman. And it was confirmed as the samurai had one of his very few epiphanies: somewhere in the same recesses of his mind in which the thought of killing the Moyashi known as Allen Walker resided, Kanda was able to come to terms with the fact that he loved Lavi.

On a side note, Kanda found it easy to be close to Lavi when he was trying to cut off his head.


	10. Because

**Author's note: **Sorry for the wait! I was just kinda busy, and I had writer's block.

Disclaimer: Why oh why don't I have enough money to buy the godly creation that is D. Gray Man!?

**WARNING: **This is an angst/tragedy drabble-thing. There is NOT a happy ending, nor any humor. This is probably one of the darkest things I have ever written, and I bet no one will like it. Still! I had to get it off my chest, and I promise the next drabble will be chuck full of humor. So if you love the idea of Lavi and Kanda together, you think Bookman should shove it and die, hate angst/tragedy, and think that Lavi would abandon his duties as bookman for Kanda, then you should probably not read this.

--

**B**e**c**a**u**s**e**

There are things _"Lavi" _loves.

There are things _he _loves.

There are things _they _love.

But he had to forsake them – all of them – for the old man.

He isn't sure who he is anymore. Whether he has a name, or if he's that little boy with nothing to live for; who followed the old man because he had food,not because being a bookman was something he wanted to do.

_i. _

Today Kanda says he loves _Lavi_.

Then _Lavi _just smiles and brushes off the samurai's confession like it's less then dog shit.

Because _he _knows nothing can be done –

_He _can't belong to Kanda.

Such a pity _they _can't be heard. Even in this deadly silence.

_ii. _

He wanted to tell someone that something was wrong. That, for some reason, it was getting harder and harder to keep telling himself these people are nothing but ink.

Because if he thinks that, then maybe things will be easier.

Because the old man never said it would be easy.

He only said it was necessary.

And _he _has already made the choice.

_iii. _

"Are you going to forget about us?" Lenalee asks.

"How could I forget you?" _Lavi _jokes.

-

"You're not…hurting…are you?" Lenalee asks.

"Naw…Moyashi didn't hit me too hard." _He _smiles.

-

"Funny…isn't it usually Kanda who hits you?" Lenalee asks.

It's a shame no one can hear _them _screaming: it won't be worth it.

_iv. _

Lavi knows Kanda won't last forever. Hell, no one will –

But Kanda is even more of an exception.

So it's no surprise when he sees Kanda, writhing in a pool of his own blood, he's confused. He swears the lotus had one more petal…

And when Lavi's holding Kanda's sweaty, teary face in his palms the only thing he feels is regret.

That he wasn't able to hug Kanda more –

Or braid his hair –

Or steal his soba –

Or go on missions with him –

Or send him into a bloodthirsty rage –

Or get to know him more –

Or protect him.

Lavi has nothing to say when Kanda's broken jaw starts moving and blood trickles between his lips.

And Lavi still does nothing but stroke the samurai's hair until he stops thrashing and screaming because Lavi won't say anything to him.

"I don't wanna die." Kanda pleads, gripping at Lavi's throat for some kind or response.

When Kanda's grip tightens, Lavi finally cracks a lopsided smile. "In the end, Yuu," He says, "you get to die – and everyone will miss you, and cry for you. And you get to forget about me, and everything bad that's happened to you."

"Y'don't…b'lieve t'at." Kanda sputters.

"Yes," He says firmly, "_I _do."


	11. Easy

**Author's note: **As promised, a humorous drabble. I had so much fun writing this it's kinda sad. Even though I wrote it in like twenty minutes, it was one of the funniest twenty minute segments of my life. Sorry if no one finds this funny but me.

Disclaimer: Because (much like our poor Kanda) nothing in my life is easy.

--

**E**a**s**y

Kanda was perplexed. Although it was rare for the samurai to ponder something, he found himself indeed deep in thought. Under normal circumstances, he would simply batter said thought until he got angry with it and shove it into the back of his mind where he could no longer see it, or throw it in someone else's face so he wouldn't have to deal with it.

But _no. _Not this time. Because this problem wouldn't go away. He tried to convince himself he is in the right, and nothing shall come of this _affair _or whateverthehell Lavi called it. After all, this problem had shown him three important things: what sexual inadequacy is, why he didn't use people's real names to begin with, and why he found himself (_not_) stalking a person he found life a little bit boring without clinging to his shoulders – that filthy rotten bastard.

Kanda thought this atmosphere was totally cliché, and should he find Lavi in the library, just as he has assumed, then Kanda would deem Lavi the most cliché person he has ever met. Next, to that Lenalee girl, who, unconsciously, for a matter of time, had everyone convinced she was the Heart and that her life was somehow important.

Without bothering to knock, Kanda opened the large, ornate doors leading into the library. Lo and behold: Lavi, sitting at a desk, surrounded by books and scrolls, quills and bottles of ink – and reading intently; he stopped and looked up when he heard Kanda slam the doors angrily.

"Yuu?"

"No."

"What?"

"Yes you moron! Who else would it be!?"

"Maybe one of the people who spend more then five minutes a week in the library."

Kanda ground his teeth. He didn't know why he was even here. Surely that idiot Komui would have some suicidal mission that he would gladly take. But nothing in poor Kanda's life was easy. Not his annoying master who had a disturbing tendency to creep into his thoughts at moments like this; not dealing with people whose heads he would rather shove onto Mugen and leave outside his door as a don't-you-dare-disturb sign; and most certainly not talking to Lavi.

"Yuu? You look kinda deep in though – are ya feeling alright?"

"I'm fine you idiot!"

Deciding to look anywhere _but _at Lavi, Kanda, for the first time, noticed how much he hated the library. Everything seemed covered in dust, and he couldn't even read the freaking titles of the books. Inwardly pouting, and vowing to destroy the Latin language, Kanda gave a sigh and simply unsheathed Mugen, planting the blade upright on Lavi's desk – right through the book the spawn of all annoyance was reading.

"Holy shi- Yuu!"

Kanda leaned forward on Mugen's hilt so his I'll-really-kill-you-this-time-and-if-you-don't-believe-me-you-won't-live-to-regret-it face was inches from Lavi's please-God-don't-let-him-hurt-me expression. Grinning on the inside, Kanda gently brushed his lips against Lavi's, making the redhead shiver slightly before he moved to the boy's neck, dragging his tongue over and skin he could reach over the table. All was well in Kanda's empire as he looked slyly at his rather flushed lover.

"We. Are. Never. Bathing. Together. Again."

Take that stupid rabbit! Kanda grinned to himself as he let the waves of superiority sink in. Second by second, Kanda felt everything fall into place as he glared hard into Lavi's why-aren't-I-getting-any-tonight green eye. Before pulling Mugen out of the table in such a hurry he accidentally bashed himself in the nose.

"You alright?"

"Shut up you MORON!"

Nothing was easy for poor Kanda.


	12. Need

**Author's note: **Another chapter! Hoorah! Umm…yeah. I realized I've got like forty reviews, and that's the most I've ever gotten on a story, so thanks so much to those who've reviewed and those who have read!

This one's really bad actually; it was just sorta spur of the moment and didn't turn out anything like I thought it would.

Disclaimer: Rub it in Hoshino. Rub it in.

--

**N**e**e**d

It was times like these when Kanda almost appreciated Lavi's existence. When his muscles were aching and numb, and he was sweating and bleeding. When the cracks and scratches really started becoming visible on Mugen. When he couldn't stand the villagers who looked at him, angry and in tears.

"Why did you kill him?"

Their ignorance was astounding, Kanda thought. The small town had been plagued for days by ashen killings, and when he had finally tore down the akuma responsible, every single, _moronic, _person had turned on him for slaying the man who murdered their children; because they didn't know what akuma were.

Turning away from the village in a hurry to avoid the pitchforks and torches, Kanda, Lavi and some finder (whose name Kanda didn't care to remember) broke into a run.

But after ten minutes or so, the chasing stopped, and all of the twenty men and several women stopped running and sourly turned back to their small village that was now one person smaller.

"Phew!" Lavi let out a breath as he continued gasping, hands on his knees. "I didn't think they were ever gonna quit!"

The finder nodded in agreement as he too had to catch his breath.

Kanda didn't even bother agreeing, or nodding for that matter. He just stared at his feet, noticing how torn his boots were; the wound in his side that was healing a bit slower than usual; the dents in Mugen he knew were hidden under the sword's hilt; and he pictured the villagers' faces once more.

"We're never really thanked." Lavi said, walking towards Kanda and giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Same thing happened to Kro-chan on his first mission, I remember." Lavi stuck his bottom lip out at the sour look on Kanda's face. "You know," He added softy, so the finder wouldn't hear, "there's not a single person who can stand something like that for long, Yuu."

"Like I care what stupid villagers think." Kanda spat.

"We should get moving." The finder reminded the two of them curtly; he had a wave of uncertainty as he wondered how _close _the exorcists were to one another.

"Alright." Lavi said. "We still have to lie low for a while until Yuu's injury heals, so we don't want to draw attention to ourselves lest the remaining akuma notice us."

"I'm fine." Kanda spat, glaring right through Lavi to the path leading through the dark woods. Taking a step further was easier in theory then in practice and Kanda stumbled to his knees as blood trickled down his side.

"You're not fine!" Lavi snapped. He sank to his knees and peeled away Kanda's coat to get a good look at the gash in the samurai's side. "Why didn't you tell me the level two hit you?!"

Kanda mumbled something inaudible as blurry splotches began dancing before his eyes. A small gasp escaped his lips and Lavi pressed his scarf to the open wound to try and stop the bleeding as Kanda tilted his head back, teeth clenched.

The finder hurried over as well, brining out some bandages he kept under that large coat of his.

Kanda felt his vision sway and tilt as he clung to Lavi's shoulders in an attempt to steady himself and all he could see. The hurried and pained shouts coming from Lavi meant nothing to the samurai's ears as he felt himself start to sweat more, and he was having trouble breathing. The whole, "breathe in, breathe out" concept was a little hard to follow when the person you need in your life more then oxygen is pressed up against you and you're leaking vast quantities of blood.

Until, Kanda got a hold of Lavi's teary face and crushed their lips together, like maybe it's the last time. Lavi seemed to understand and wrapped Kanda in his arms as best he could, keeping their lips together as he tried to brush some dirt of Kanda's forehead.

The finder just stood there like a third wheel, staring dumbly as he remembered now he was going to lose several dollars because – yes – Kanda _was_ kissing Lavi.

But the fact that there was someone watching didn't seem to bother the two exorcists as they explored each other's mouths like it was uncharted territory. Kanda found himself moaning in both pain and pleasure, one from the warm mouth on his own and the hand on his stomach, and another from the burning sensation of dirt getting in his open wound. He could've been content to die there…

…had a baffled Krory and a paralyzed Miranda _not_ arrived in a the cliché nick of time and Kanda suddenly had the urge to run himself through with his own sword to prevent that blasted, unholy redness from spreading over his face.


	13. Smile

**Author's note: **(I actually don't like writing these for such small chapters) Anyway! I spontaneously got more ideas! Coffee does that to me –insert hyper twitching here-. I can't wait to get my forty-ninth review – yes I am that cheesy!

Disclaimer: Behold my dance of shame that I shall convey as: Noooooooooooo!

--

**S**m**i**l**e**

Lavi knew very well that Kanda didn't smile; he may smirk, (and most of the time Lavi found it sexy and couldn't care less) but for some reason, sitting in the dining hall, the redhead found it suddenly irking that he couldn't get his beloved samurai to smile.

"What are you looking at?" Kanda demanded, across the table.

"You." Lavi said, knowing full well Kanda was giving him a deadly scowl. But honestly, Lavi wondered how anyone could _not _mock his probably-about-to-murder-him boyfriend's name at every chance they got?

Kanda made that "che" sound and went back to eating his soba. "I saw that." He hissed as Lavi quickly pulled his tongue back into his mouth.

Lavi pouted, leaning back in his chair and crossing him arms. "How come you never smile, Yuu?"

"I don't like to." Kanda replied. "And don't call me by my first name."

"Why?" Lavi asked, jerking forward in his chair and smiling, as his face was several inches from Kanda's. "Why don't you smile?"

"Because I don't need to."

"That doesn't make sense, Yuu."

"It doesn't have to."

Lavi hung his head in defeat. "But Yuuuuuuu…smiling makes you feel happy."

"I don't like feeling–"

"Ha!" Lavi cried triumphantly. "No one doesn't like feeling happy!"

"That's not true, you idiot."

"Yes it is."

"Just shut up and let me eat."

"I'll bet it's the soba!" Lavi declared suddenly, reaching forward and pulling away Kanda's tray and grinning rather evilly. "I think your need more variety in your diet, Yuu-chan. Here, take my spaghetti."

"I am _not _eating that crap." Kanda hissed; his face had turned from "stunned" to "furious". Normally, Lavi loved to watch the expressions ripple across his precious Yuu-chan's face…until Kanda had reached across the table, grabbed a fistful of Lavi's red hair, and shoved his face into the soba noodles.

Lavi let out a screech as he jerked away, only to reel backwards and send him and his chair crashing to the ground.

Immediately, heads turned in his direction, cautious whispers and quite a few laughs sounded through the dining hall and Kanda stood, giving Lavi a dark smirk.

Gasping for breath and dizzy, Lavi pulled himself to his feet. Flushed and rather angry, he stared after Kanda's retreating figure for a few moments before a devilishly wonderful thought cross his mind.

Lavi broke into a short run after Kanda, and when he was about three feet away, the redhead leapt off the ground and grabbed Kanda by the waist, soundly tackling him to the ground in a dramatic display of slow motion and accuracy.

Kanda immediately, tried to get to his feet again, scratching and punching all the while Lavi managed to flip him over and pin the samurai's hands down. "Smile." He commanded, grinning.

"Get. Off." Kanda spat.

"Here they go again…" Allen whispered, leaning as far away as he could away from the two on the ground beside his table without shoving a trembling Miranda off her seat.

"Get off me!" Kanda roared, trying to kick Lavi off his hips while trying to ignore the uncomfortable heat he was suddenly feeling. "People are–"

"Aww…Yuu-chan," Lavi pouted, leaning close enough to his samurai's face to see just how prominent his blush was, "why don't we give them a show?"

Kanda gritted his teeth and glared daggers at Lavi. Without the use of his arms, he tried to kick Lavi off, but, of course, the redhead was too heavy.

By now the entire dining hall had their eyes on Lavi and Kanda; some cowering in fear and disbelief that Lavi was still breathing.

Lavi, on the other hand, was totally thrilled that things had worked out so well. Although, he knew Kanda wasn't going to forgive him for a long time for pinning him to the ground in front of so many people, Lavi decided it would all be worth it. Hopefully.

Nestling himself on Kanda's lower stomach, Lavi watched Kanda try and stifle a groan and keep his insane blushing under control. "All ya gotta do is smile, Yuu," Lavi said.

"Go to Hell." Kanda spat.

Lavi gave a sigh and leaned closer. So close that Kanda could feel the redhead's warm, exaggerated breath on his collar bone. Waves of goose bumps and tingles broke over Kanda's body and Lavi licked along the bone hidden beneath that skin the redhead insisted was just _so_ beautifully soft.

Kanda took note of the cooing Lenalee and Jerry in the background and tried once again to struggle out of Lavi's grasp.

Despite having been "over this" so many times, Kanda was still uncomfortable being under Lavi. He was used to being in control of things and thus it was hard for him to get used to Lavi's touchy-feely nature. And all the people watching both made Kanda's blood flow faster and made his breath more ragged.

Kanda was thoroughly degusted with himself for not shoving Lavi off. He was angry at himself for practically _melting _whenever Lavi touched him. And most of all, Kanda was mad that out of the entire population of the dining hall, not a single person had shouted, "Get a room!"

Finally, Lenalee seemed to get the hint, and while blushing furiously, herded people, with the help of Jerry out of the dining hall. Leaving no one but the two people…"occupied" on the floor.

"Now that we're alone here…" Lavi said, lowering his mouth to Kanda ear and speaking in a dark, low voice, "will you smile for me?"

Kanda tossed his head back and fourth, as he was incapable of answering with Lavi biting and licking at his ear.

"Hmm…" Lavi said, pulling away and looking around the dining hall innocently; unmistakable lust lurked behind his green, seemingly-innocent eye as he reached for Kanda's belt. "Jerry's gonna have to clean the floor."


	14. Secrets

**Author's note: **Right off the bat I'm going to apologize for such a late update. Whoever said high school is hard was absolutely right. But seriously, I've had a few days off, so I thought, "Why not update? It's not as though you have for the past few **months**." I felt bad then so I decided to try and write something that didn't suck. This one isn't very interesting, and doesn't really go anywhere or have any plot to it.

Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own D. Gray Man. Yet.

**S**e**c**r**e**t**s**

There were certain things that Lavi never talked about, and Kanda hated himself a little bit for only dwelling on them until the redhead would start kissing him or make a perverted joke.

When Kanda finally found the courage to talk to Lenalee, she simply told him that the two of them were living just for the moment—and that she admired them for it. Kanda probably hated her a little bit for that last remark, because now he couldn't tell her how unhappy he was living like that for another day.

Lavi never talked about what lay under his eye patch, which probably bugged Kanda a bit more than it should have. For the longest time Kanda thought it nothing more than a battle scar, or some tragedy from childhood, but because he was too proud to actually _ask _Lavi why he wore the eye patch, the whole mess didn't get very far and resulted simply in Kanda storming off, leaving a confused Lavi in the dining hall will spaghetti sticking out of his mouth.

-

It was the simple things Lavi never mentioned that Kanda suddenly seemed to notice. (Like some chain reaction: once you notice one, you can't help but notice them all.) For example, the future; their relationship in said future. Whenever Lavi talked about the future it always seemed a bit eerie, like he wasn't sure he was using the right words to describe what he really wanted to say:

"Of course I'm gonna clean it. Sometime."

"We should go into town and buy some new clothes. When you feel like it."

"When will you stop looking at me like that, Yuu-chan?"

**-**

No matter how many times Lavi grinned his I-love-ya-don't-ya-know grin, or tried to persuade Kanda to let him feed the samurai soba, or tried to cuddle up next to Kanda when he thought he was sleeping, it seemed like a little piece of Kanda died with each action.

Kanda decided, standing in front of a mirror cracked in all the wrong places, that he wasn't going to fall apart if one day Lavi simply disappeared. If he one day decided he didn't want to be _Lavi _anymore and told himself he needed a haircut anyway. Maybe Bookman would finally get around to reminding his apprentice that he would never be a significant part of the future. Why bother trying to build a life with someone who only lived as long as his lotus flower did?

Kanda wondered if Lavi would keep his eye patch when he left.

**-**

Finally, Kanda mustered up all his self respect, threw it out the window, and asked Tiedoll about the future. In not so many strong words…In not many words at all, actually.

The old man said that the exorcists were sort of afraid of the future. He went on to say that since the accommodators were uprooted from their homes, lives, and loved ones, they had a hard time imagining what life would be like when they weren't fighting every day; when the Earl was defeated. He said that fighting gave them something to think about, so they wouldn't have to dwell on the shadows of their past, (he then coughed and inquired as to where Allen Walker was, and Kanda nudged his Master in the shoulder—accidentally—to imply in the only way he knew how that he wanted him to continue).

Tiedoll said simply that Kanda shouldn't worry about the future. It took a moment for Kanda to remember that the old man knew about his relation ship (or lack there of) with Lavi. Just as Kanda was about to leave and drown his sorrows in soba, Tiedoll told him it was because he was still young and had the rest of his life to look forward too. But living for the moment in the course of _his _lifetime—"What the fuck does it matter?"


	15. Regular

**Author's note: **Again, I need to apologize for the distance between chapters. My lack of inspiration has been pathetic…almost as pathetic as the fact I wrote this out of boredom. I hope you can all forgive me because I actually like this drabble.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

**R**e**g**u**l**a**r**

Lavi has always been comfortable with being in the dark. He almost prefers it, as a matter of fact: the inability to see the _exact _expression on a person's face is a freedom he never wants to lose. In the dark, he can't tell if he has been insensitive, or maybe a little too lustful, and best of all, he doesn't have to show exactly what he is or isn't feeling to the person he is talking to. In a cliché way, the darkness is a cover.

"What do you want this time?" Kanda asks, stretching his long limbs against the stone wall. "The one time I'm actually tired, you decide to do some soul-searching. What the hell's that about?"

"Aww come on, Yuu, I don't have a soul." Lavi's voice smiles playfully—not that Kanda can see—while his face remains almost as cold as the wall he himself is propped up against.

Kanda sighs in slight annoyance, slight fondness. "You don't get to be depressed. Not in the dark like this where everyone is expecting it."

Lavi imagines Kanda raising one of his perfect eyebrows. He hopes he is. Because _Gods _Kanda is sexy when he uses his eyebrows. "But you know I'm just a regular suicide." He smiles. All of him.

Again, Lavi pictures Kanda consciously—or unconsciously—doing something sexy. He pictures the lust in the younger's eyes, maybe twisted lip, fingernails against his eyes, hair that makes its way underneath the collar of Kanda's robe.

"Please, don't give me that bullshit. You've said this all before."

Lavi doesn't listen to the worry delicately laced over those words like a doily on a pink tablecloth. He just pictures Kanda biting him with those sharp, sharp teeth in places a person should never be bitten.

"No, no, it's all good this time." Lavi says, face cold, lips on fire. "You see, Gramps and I had a fight. A _big _one. It was sexy, Yuu, you should have _been there_."

He pictures the tilt of Kanda's head as a cocky grin, a challenge. Not a sad parting of lips in worry or fear or even regret. "Lavi…" Kanda says in a bedroom voice that isn't the malice Lavi wants. "What did he say?"

Lavi shrugs, wishing Kanda were naked; that would solve _all _their problems. "He called me names."

The pounding in Kanda's voice isn't fear, Lavi decides, he thinks of it as just _excitement_. He thinks the rustle of Kanda's clothes is just _excitement_. He thinks the sweat in his ears is just _excitement_.

"What's wrong?"

_Gods_—nothing is wrong. Only that he isn't bleeding like he wants to be.

Lavi hopes that finally, finally Kanda will take a step towards him—preferably several. He wants to be warm against the wall. He wants to be alone with the younger. He wants to be away from the old man.

"What did he say?" Kanda asks again. Harsher, and it's almost more sexy.

"We pulled it off, Yuu." Lavi smiles. "He hates me now. He _really _hates me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that book came _this _close to my eye."

"Lavi—"

"Me good eye."

"Lavi shut up! Just _shut up_. Please…" Those long strides _are_ graceful and sexy, Lavi thinks. He wonders more about Kanda's legs. But he is caught off guard by Kanda's arms. Lavi almost thinks he likes them better.

The fingers in hair are more delicate than he would like. The chin in his neck isn't biting him like he wishes it were. And his belt isn't gone like he is used to. "Aww Yuu, isnt this cute, you're _hugging _me—"

There's warmth in those fingers. There's moisture on that chin. And he's sorta forgotten about the belt. Sorta.

He feels Kanda's breath. He begins to think that this is nice. Too nice. Too nice to want his own legs to go limp, too nice to be glad Kanda's hand isn't down his pants, too nice to not be able to see Kanda's expression and still be able to tell what it is. "I don't think he wants me anymore."

"It's ok, its ok." Kanda says, quietly. His long arms are draped around Lavi's shoulders loosely, and Lavi's hands are carefully resting against the younger's shoulder blades. He doesn't have time to think about how sexy Kanda's muscles are.

"They're not gonna let me stay here." Lavi says as Kanda pulls away, the words coming out too quickly. Kanda's face is finally visible in the dark as a result of the pale light breaking through the window at the end of the hall. "I don't think the Order wants me either."

"They _will_." Kanda says, like water gliding over a stone and down a waterfall. Then, almost a smile, "All that useless shit you know."

"I think it depends on whether or not _you _want me to stick around." Lavi says, an actual smile. He feels the color coming back into his own face, and the heat on Kanda's lips is relaxing and exciting at the same time. "I think…something might be a little wrong with me."

Kanda takes a deep breath. "Shock makes people scared…it's nothing to—"

"No, _Yuu _I feel _sick_." Lavi shrugs in the darkness that isn't really darkness anymore. "There's something inside me and it feels like _poison_ it sorta bubbles and aches and I don't know why…Yuu, can I…"

Kanda shakes his head, an actual smile. "Is it right here?" I gently prods Lavi's chest. He leans in again, brushing his lips against the corner of Lavi's—dragging his lip across the bottom. "Does it _pulse_?"

Lavi feels himself shudder against Kanda's mouth. "It feels weird."

Lowering himself to Lavi's neck, Kanda begins to plant small, delicate kisses in no particular order—not like the ones Lavi's used to.

"Yuu…" Lavi says slowly. "Do you still…want me?"

"You're an idiot." Kanda says between mouthfuls of Lavi's hair. "It's not really about me anymore." He pulls back a bit, enough to see the shine of Lavi's good eye. "You should…know that, well, you're sorta free now. You can do whatever you want, right? Staying here, with me—or not—is basically your call."

Lavi leans in and kisses Kanda.


	16. Lenalee

**LIFE. LIFE is given to this story once again. There is no apology I could give to make up for the absence of chapters, the boredom, the lack of Muse. I'd say "the important thing is, there is a chapter now" but that is rude. There were times I wanted to write more of this, but I just didn't. And that sorta sucks. Thanks to those who are still hanging in there. **

**Disclaimer: There is nothing owned here but a sad idea.

* * *

  
**

The sun is far too hot, but Kanda only notices the heat when he moves. If he stays still, the burning of the sun through his clothes will not reach his skin. And he thinks that he has got this worked out, until Lenalee shifts her legs and the dark fabric of his pants presses against his knee and Kanda digs his fingers into the warm grass.

"Sorry." She mumbles. "My legs are cramping."

He feels Lenalee comb her fingers through his hair apologetically with one hand, and hears her ripping up blades of grass with the other. Two rhythms: one soothing and graceful, one haphazard and dangerous. Maybe she is not even conscious of both of them in the same way he is, but Kanda relishes in debating which one is him.

"Are your eyes open?" She asks.

"No," He lies.

"The sun," She says, "is right above us."

Kanda already knows it, but he nods, feeling Lenalee's hair against his chin; he knows she feels it too.

"I don't want to go home," She says. Then, almost laughing, "That's horrible, isn't it?"

He does not say anything, because he knows that he does not want to go back either. He wants to lie in the grass under the blistering sun and the weight of her sprawled over his legs. He does not want to go through the trouble of tying back his hair even though he knows Lenalee would gladly do it for him.

"It's almost over." He says.

It is only a second before he sees the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Her face is not that far from his; he is close enough to see the scabs on her lips, the scar on her ear, and the gaps in her eyelashes she makes by nervously pulling them out.

Out of nowhere, or almost nowhere her voice pierces through the silence, "He is going to die, isn't he?"

Staring into the sun does not hurt Kanda's eyes the way he would like. He does not want to talk about this. No matter how much it would comfort her. No matter how he knows he could change the expression on her face. "Look," He says, "the sun is right above us."

"I can't see it anymore." She says. "The sky is too bright."

"Don't…"

"He can't see me, Kanda. He can't see me at all."

Kanda groans, tilting his head back, hoping the sun would burn his eyes out, and then he too could sit in the infirmary, being worried over, being wracked with guilt, being terrified of the future, wishing it could be him instead.

"I can't reach him," She sobs, shifting her body off of his, so that her back is to him. "He doesn't want me to."

Kanda cannot explain that he knows exactly how that feels. He cannot explain how he would like nothing better than to be Allen Walker and not Yuu Kanda. To be able to shut himself off from the world and everyone else unintentionally, to be a ghost of a person, to have a goal so strong he would not mind dying for it, to be unreachable. He wants to die. He knows all about the psychological defects in exorcists; not the science, but the way they implod, the way they kill themselves with walls, sex, hatred, fear and love. It all meshes together in their heads desperately, trying to make something out of something else.

"I don't know what to do, Kanda."

There is still nothing to say to her. Kanda cannot tell her to keep loving Allen, he cannot tell her to give up, the way he has, he cannot tell her to find someone who makes her truly happy—someone who does not fight akuma or Noah, or who does not make her worry, or who does not represent everything she wants, or who does not leave her.

"I don't know how you stand it."

And he blinks. He cannot find his voice to tell her to _leave it the fuck alone_ because she thinks talking about it will make him feel better. Like their stories are similar or how Lenalee knows she is not as strong as he is, to be able to fight alongside Lavi.

Of all the people he does not talk to, Lenalee is the one he talks to both the most and the least. She talks. She talks about her brother, about China, about Allen. And he listens. He listens to her devotion, her nostalgia, her love. And he talks. He talks about Mugen, about akuma, about Lavi. And she listens. She listens to his pride, his tests, his lies. There is no judging or advice on either side, sometimes a pat on the back or a kiss on the fingers. Because they both know how similar they are.

But now, Kanda does not know how to help her because he could not help himself when he lay in the grass two months, one week and three days ago, wanting to die that day the way he would every day that followed.

"I cry too much, huh?" Lenalee wipes her eyes but still will not look at Kanda. "I'm sorry I didn't help you before…you must sorta hate me, huh? No, no that's not fair…I don't…I don't…it's not fair."

He thinks about that day when Lenalee did not come to lay with him in the grass. How she decided to try a new spiced coffee, and how she served it up with a smile while he went for a walk and ran into Bookman. She apologized, the way he had to the old man that day. She promised it would never happen again, the same way he had to Komui that day. She held his hand, the way Lavi used to, before that day.

"He can't love me."

Kanda felt the words sink past his skin. Bleeding through like it was his own realization.


	17. Facts

**Another one, just for the sake of the joy of writing**. **Also, I will just apologize up front for Allen in this chapter...it is almost psychically impossible for me to write him the way I feel as though he should be written...it is more of a challenge than any other character from any other manga.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing...I am not sure if even the multiple, useless facts in this story are right.

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"Did you know, in the average lifetime, a person can walk about five times around the equator?"

It was only partially intentional, Lavi reminds himself as he sits in the cafeteria, ignoring his food and putting on a rather astounding performance for his present company.

"I think that depends on how long a person lives…" Lenalee interjects.

Lavi ignores her for a moment, trying to determine whether or not the look on Kanda's face is the result of a hot bowl of soup, or not knowing what the equator is.

"Well, when you die, your hair doesn't stop growing." Lavi points out. "Yuu-chan, that should make you happy."

Allen looks up from his steak.

Lavi looks back down into his cup and swirls the water discreetly before springing back to life. "Beansprout, did you know that a Neanderthal has a bigger brain than you do?"

"I don't know what that is…" Allen mumbles when Lavi steals another glance at Kanda.

"And Lenalee, that deck of cards you always play with—did you know that the different suits represent four pillars of the economic state of the Middle Ages?"

"The heart is…the Church?" She asks. "I'm guessing the spades are the military…"

"The clubs represent agriculture and the diamonds represent the merchants. But you know, some also say that they represent different kings from ancient history," Lavi finishes triumphantly. "Bet you didn't know that, _Beansprout_."

"I did not." Allen says, nodding and Lavi catches him staring at the white on Kanda's knuckles.

"Yuu-chan, are you suffering from lethologica?"

"_Fuck _you."

"Kanda!" Lenalee snaps, stealthily grabbing his chopsticks out of his bowl before seeming to feel guilty for it. "Are you alright?"

Lavi watches Kanda contort his face into the one he wears for Lenalee and Lenalee alone; he rapidly taps the side of his cup, earning an eyebrow raise from Allen. "Yuu is probably just tired," Lavi says. "On our last mission, we had to help rebuild their town hall after the akuma destroyed it…right Yuu? All that brick laying?"

"There is a patron saint for that."

"That's right Lenalee."

Allen chokes out a laugh.

Lavi grins at Kanda. A feeling of victory sweeps over him, and it obviously makes Kanda angry and hot. And to Lavi, there is no difference. He wants to keep going, to prove his point. "Yuu, did you know you can hear a lion's roar from five miles away?"

"You've never seen a lion." Kanda hisses.

"My name _means _lion in Hebrew."

Lenalee sorta sinks into her salad.

"Indeed," Lavi says, never taking his eyes off Kanda. "Yuu, do you know the only food that will never spoil?"

"I do." Allen mumbles.

"Honey."

"I don't like honey."

"Pumice is the only rock that floats in water."

"I don't give a fuck."

"You know when you put a seashell to your ear, you aren't really hearing the ocean, you are just hearing the blood rushing through your veins."

"What moron thinks they can hear the ocean in a shell?"

"Did you know that the tongue is the only muscle that is attached from one end only?"

Kanda's face turns red. He stands up, and leaves.

There is a long moment of silence in which Allen gives Lavi a nod of approval, and Lenalee tries to comprehend what just happened.

"I won't be right back." Lavi says as he too stands up, and jogs in Kanda's direction.

It is not until he has looked all over before he realizes that he might have lost Kanda. The samurai is a surprisingly fast runner, and even though Lavi often bragged about knowing his way around the Order better than Kanda, he was definitely at a loss when it came to scouring every nook and cranny. Which is a little embarrassing, because Lavi feels like he should know Kanda well enough to find out his location.

After a while, the hallways begin to look more and more similar, but Lavi still knows exactly where he is. He can find his way from his exact location back to the cafeteria where Allen and Lenalee are probably still eating; to the library where Bookman is probably researching; to his room, littered with books he has tried to interest Kanda in; to Kanda's room, with nothing in it but the hourglass; to the science lab, where all their friends are; to the lounge, where the tired Finders go to thank god for being alive; to the infirmary, where Krory is; to Allen's room, with the broken mirror; to Heveleska, where their Innocence reside; to Lenalee's room, where he will never go again; to the window that cannot shut properly—allowing for easy roof access.

"Lavi?"

Lavi turns to see Allen close behind him. He plasters a grin on his face, "Yo Beansprout. You didn't leave Lenalee all by yourself did you? Those are poor manners my friend—didn't I ever tell you how to treat a lady?"

Allen gives him a weird look that reminds Lavi of the one he gives Kanda when the samurai can't give him an estimation as to the current population of Edo. "Lenalee thinks it was a fight." Allen says flatly.

Lavi sighs. "It's not. Not like that. He just doesn't appreciate my enormous expanse of knowledge I have accumulated over the years." He laughs. "He is probably just jealous of my photographic memory." He smiles. "My quick wit."

It's only for a second that Lavi thinks that Allen catches on, but then Allen just shrugs. "He's probably training in the forest. Cutting down trees or fighting bears."

Lavi's smile falters. "How do you know?"

"Because I know he does it a lot." Allen smirks, "Fighting bears, I mean."

Lavi decides to go for a walk.


End file.
